I have mountain biked, rock climbed, backpacked, raced duathlons, camped under the stars, played multiple sports, changed the oil in my pick-up truck, and shot various types of firearms. I've done these activities in the heat of summer, in the cold and snow of winter, and while being pelted with rain. People have called me steady, strong, capable, and stable.
Last night (actually 7 weeks ago at this point) was the first class of the HCPD Citizens' Police Academy. We met the head of training and each other, listened to presentations by the Citizens Advisory Council and a Police Auxiliary Officer, and we took a quick tour of the training campus. We didn't perform any simulations or hear any stories from the street, yet I learned that when it comes to law enforcement, I am neither steady nor strong nor capable nor stable.
Driving onto campus, I was met by a police vehicle with its lights on traveling behind a regular car. My first thought was that someone was really stupid to break the law at a police facility and my second thought (which was correct) was that someone was training. Even knowing it was probably a training exercise and the whole thing was happening at a whopping 10mph, my brain freaked out. I wasn't excited; I was scared. I drove past the gate and saw 4 police vehicles lined up with their lights on - again, scared. And again, it was a training exercise as I was AT A TRAINING FACILITY.
During a short tour, we stood outside a simulation area where a recruit was learning the details of performing a traffic stop. In the background, the recruit yelled (not very confidently and I knew she was a recruit) something like, "Please stay in your vehicle" and I couldn't pay attention to my instructor talking because the shouting made me so uncomfortable it took over my brain.
I have always been too easily intimidated by not only most people but loud noises, shouting, fast movements, and basically anything unexpected or outside of my norm. Yet in the context of this program I was so excited to join, these visceral and intense reactions have me grappling with my identity - who I was when I signed up for this program is not who I am after the first class, though the only thing that changed is my self awareness.
