Exhale

For the past months, we've been trying to figure out how to go about adopting
our next child. We've always known that we planned to have more than 1 kid,
assuming there weren't mitigating circumstances that popped up.

When Kevin first came home, I wanted to hurry up and start on our second adoption
because parenting sucked so bad I didn't want to spread out the years of torture
any longer than necessary.

Later I felt ready to hurry up and start our second adoption because parenting
had become tolerable and I felt like I could handle the torture as long as I knew
it would get different through time, and probably better.

More recently I have felt ready to hurry up and start our second adoption because
Kevin needs a playmate besides us and we feel even more settled into parenting (not
that we expect a second child to be exactly like the first) and because
the timing is "right" given how far apart we would probably have our children
were we birthing them ourselves.

Has God helped us figure out what we're supposed to be doing for child #2 during
all of this? Not to our knowledge! We've felt no clarity of direction. Granted,
sometimes we make decisions without clarity from God but, hey, this is a biggie and
the fact that we're not hearing anything actually makes us feel like it's telling
us even more clearly that maybe this isn't right.

A few weeks ago the thought hit me, "What if we're not supposed to have any more
kids?" I immediately followed that up with, "But of course we will, that's
always been the plan" and then a handful of valid reasons why we don't want
Kevin to be an only child (to have a playmate, to learn how to live with other
people and negotiate and communicate effectively, to not be as selfish, and not
to have to take care of us on his own when we get older.) However, the thought
hit me again, "Just suppose for a moment that you're not meant to have anymore kids."

What I felt next surprised me and made me feel guilty but it was overwhelmingly
peaceful - I felt relieved. I was relieved not to have to make a decision
about how to adopt our other children, where to find the money to do it, when
to get the ball rolling and, honestly, I was relieved by the thought of
not having to deal with another batch of attachment and grief issues from a
hurting child.

I liked the feeling enough to continue entertaining the thought for awhile. I
realized that it might just mean I can relax for now and wait before pushing
ourselves into the next process and that was equally relieving. I felt that God
was saying, "Hey, stop worrying about this. It's not worth it. Enjoy what
you have right now without feeling pressured to jump into something you're
really not ready for. You'll know when you're supposed to do something
and what it is that you're supposed to do."

So I'm waiting and enjoying not pressuring myself about it anymore. It feels
sweet like the first lick of an ice cream cone on a hot summer day.