Wednesday, April 28, 2004

Redemption through song

Yesterday I had some 'anger moments.' It's funny that one of my friends, who is one of my bosses, said that he still gets surprised whenever I get really mad on the ultimate frisbee field, tennis court, or volleyball court, and yet he sees it often enough that he's not sure why it still surprises him. Anyway...

Teasing holds a place of high regard in my family. I've always been shown love by my brother, dad, uncles, and grandfather through teasing. I'm a pretty good sport about it and I often find myself using it to help people feel included (although I realize that teasing may be a way to push people away when they don't understand what it means to me - ironic!) Yesterday, a coworker who teases a LOT went too far with me and I responded in my typical passive-aggressive manner with a caustic comment a bit louder than under my breath. I'm not sure that he heard it, but others around me did. The comment started like this, "If I was the old me....."

Now, it didn't take long for the idea to hit me over the head that I obviously still AM the old me, or I wouldn't have even thought to do what I threatened to do had I not been the better person that I've become. My comment stayed with me all day - I couldn't stop thinking about it. It made me consider how many things are in my life that I think I've strived hard enough to get past when in reality they're all still lurking in the shadows of my mind, just waiting for a moment of weakness to rear their ugly heads.

I also got really angry on my drive home from work yesterday. I knew that I wasn't thinking or behaving like God would want and I was enraged by my anger. I realized that I was upset because other things were keeping me from completing my personal agenda the way that I planned (I wanted to get home NOW). I asked God what would be appropriate for me to do at that moment and He said, "Calm down." (Duh - but I needed to hear it) Then on the radio came a song with the lyrics, "Have you lost your beautiful way?" Well, yes, I had. There was nothing beautiful about my attitude or behavior.

Next on the Z104 playlist was Hoobastank's "The Reason." The refrain of the song goes like this:

I've found a reason for me

To change who I used to be

A reason to start over new

and the reason is you

Wow... here I was feeling so guilty about what I'd said and thought earlier in the day and my actions on the road and BAM! God gives me this great poem to give to Him - which isn't only for Him, but it's totally for me... it shows me that I can still change, I can still start over new. And it's all for Him, which means it's all good.

Thanks be to God.

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