Deep Thoughts

I love these quotes from Saturday Night Live's Jack Handey skit. When I found a list of these today, I couldn't help but include some of my favorites here.

• If I could be a bird, I'd be a Flying Purple People Eater because then people would sing about me and I could fly down and eat them because I hate that song.
  
• I think a pillow should be the peace symbol, not the dove. The pillow has more feathers than the dove, and it doesn't have a beak to peck you with.
  
• Too bad Lassie didn't know how to ice skate, because then if she was in Holland on vacation in winter and someone said "Lassie, go skate for help," she could do it.
  
• Love can sweep you off your feet and carry you along in a way you've never known before. But the ride always ends, and you end up feeling lonely and bitter. Wait. It's not love I'm describing. I'm thinking of a monorail.
  
• To me, it's a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, "Hey, can you give me a hand?" you can say, "Sorry, got these sacks."
  
• When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. It wasn't until later that I found out that Uncle Caveman was a bear.
  
• When you're riding in a time machine way far into the future, don't stick your elbow out the window, or it'll turn into a fossil.
  
• I wish I had a Kryptonite cross, because then you could keep both Dracula AND Superman away.
  
• The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.
  
• If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.
  
• If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
  

That was more than I intended to include but aren't they worth it?