Monday, March 21, 2005

I'm glad it's only taken 5 months

The boulder has been slowly chiseled away and only a moderate-size piece is left on my chest. And now that the boulder is not pressing all of the air out of my lungs, I can talk about it.

For the past 5 months I have been on the verge of depression. I probably didn’t appear that way but when things were really bad, I wasn’t in public. I think I put on a good face in public.

The first 5 months of parenting have been extremely difficult for me. I’ve felt despair like I’ve never felt before. I literally felt the pressure bearing down on me and I had dizzy spells when it was really bad.

I hated being a parent. It was the worst mistake I’d ever made because not only did my life suck but I brought a child into it not to mention my husband. There was no way out. For all sorts of reasons I wasn’t going to disrupt Kevin’s placement with us but, dear God, did I want to. If during that time I could have gone back in time to the previous year, I never would’ve decided to have a family. It wasn’t that Kevin was so bad (he’s really a saint compared to many kids!) but that I wasn’t meant to be a parent. I wasn’t just a bad parent but every moment I hated it. I’d say that every waking moment I hated it but I hated it in my sleep, too.

Things are better now. I feel lighter and happier and I genuinely laughed at Kevin today. It was so freeing I almost couldn’t stop. I can honestly say that I’ve had enjoyable parenting moments in the past couple of weeks.

Now when I offer Andy free time away from us I don’t secretly dread and resent it. I no longer count the seconds until Andy pulls into the driveway after work. I now rest when I sleep.

And what should’ve been the case all along but wasn’t and is now so sweet because I feel it AND I don’t feel guilty for not feeling it... I miss Kevin when we’re apart for long.

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