Sunday, June 06, 2004

Sappy Parent Feelings

I've read and heard that parenthood makes people sappy. I've even watched that happen to friends of mine. But I didn't expect it to happen to me even before meeting our son. Alas, it's happened - I picture myself telling our news to a very supportive friend and I cry thinking about her reaction; I see little kids at the Home Depot Kids Workshop wearing their orange aprons and banging the heck out of some wood and I tear up thinking about doing that soon with our son. The list goes on and it's only been 3 days since we made our decision. That doesn't bode well for my "I hate to cry" stance.

This morning in church, Andy and I lit a candle together. I can't say what Andy's thoughts were on it, but I did it to be a physical representation of the light of Kevin's soul that we hope to fuel as he grows up. When I sat back down, I prayed so earnestly that he can know God's love right where he is right now. The feeling inside was incredibly strong - rarely are my prayers that heart-felt. Then I had a "vision" of Kevin in his current home and I came up behind him and put my arms around him and squeezed without mercy while kissing the top of his head. I even felt that in my vision. I didn't open my eyes during the next few worship songs that were playing because I didn't want to let go of the moment. Needless to say, I cried.

All of this happened after spending last night dreaming of being in different modes of transporation (mostly cars but also one boat) that went over cliffs and crashed at the bottom. I woke up wondering whether the copy of our referral acceptance letter that we had notarized the night before was some big mistake - that I had just sent my life over a cliff and was about to crash at the bottom! After thinking it over for a few minutes, I realized that the focus of my dream(s) shouldn't be that I crashed, but that I kept getting in other cars with other drivers. I told this to a friend at church this morning and he said, "So... God's trying to tell you that you never learn from your mistakes?" I suppose that's possible, but I don't think that's what it was about. I was being shown that even when it feels like I've made a huge mistake in my life, I can try again. And I know I will have more than my share of these moments as a parent. And really, isn't parenting very much like sending yourself over a cliff and being 100% vulnerable? Yup, my tear ducts are about to get a good rinsing.

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